Have you ever just sat in a room lit by only two candles? If the candle are to far removed from one another then it is more difficult to see enough to accomplish anything. As I sit here in this candlelit room writing, I realize that adoptions and candles are very similar.You see, one candle gives off a certain amount of light for a given task. However, the more candles that are lit the greater amount of light that is shed on that task. In open adoption it is a necessity for all involved to light the path of love for the one at the center of the triad, the adopted child.

The adoptive, as well as birth families of this child, can and often do choose to seperate themselves from one another--thus weakening the light of understanding that the child will need to realize the intense love that both sets of parents will always have for their child. These families are also given the optiion of working together to form a greater light that will aid in igniting an intense flame of love and bonding between the entire family. The choice to remain seperate is validated, in my opinion, by fear. Adoptive parents fear that their child will love them less when he/she forms a relationship with his/her birth parents or that their child will abandon them at the time of reunion.

There is also fear on the part of the birthparents that the child will feel abandoned by them and that they cannot measure up to the parents that have raised or are raising the child that is their heart. Birthmothers fear rejection and a lack of trust in regards to the adoptive mother. These fears can serve to either strengthen or extinguish the light that will allow the adopted child to have the necessary backing to form healthy relationships with his/her entire family.

In the past I have seen candles that give off different hues of light that can brighten or dim any room. I feel that allowing these fears to dictate the relationship is to change the hue of the light so to speak. For example, if I as a birthmother allow the fear of rejection in as a significant part of my thought process then the tone is set for that rejection because the hue of my light will color my thinking. The same goes for the adoptive parents if they allow fear of losing or confusing their child to dictate the relationships then yet another hue is added to the scheme of things. When we combine these hues what we are essentially doing is distorting the love that we all have for the child.

A candle can only burn for a given amount of time, just as an adoption can only remain in a given circumstance for a set amount of time. As a candle burns the wax changes from a solid state to liquid form. As the wick burns further down the amount of light given off lessens to the point of burning itself out. This occurance pertains to adoption in the sense that we must understand that no member of the adoption stays in the same place for a long period of time. People change, children grow up and life for every member of the triad goes on. As birthmothers we learn to move forward accepting our decisions and learning to deal with them on a daily basis. We hope and pray daily that our children's parents will grant or continue to give openness and care. Regardless of the degree of openness we must continue to grow and change just as we know our children and their adoptive families will do the same.

Adoption relationships truly are like candles. Occasionally we need to examine the intensity and color of the light that we are giving off. As we grow and change it is our responsibility to be lights of love for our children regardless of fears and opinions. We simply must keep our candle of love burning bright.  

Copyright © 2003 Dawn
 

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