Hi, my name is Charlene, I am 27 years old and this is my adoption story! I have one sister who is married with two kids who lives 5 minutes from me and a brother who is single and lives in NJ. My parents are divorced, my dad lives here in Charlotte and my mom lives in Australia.

I fell pregnant in October 1995, I was young and in college unfortunately I did not realize what I was doing at the time and went out got drunk and had sex for the first time. I do not know who the father of my daughter is and one day I am going to have a lot of explaining to do! I do regret my actions but I do not regret having Emma-jenny, she has bought so much happiness to my life and her parents.

I ignored the fact that I was pregnant for seven months, I just thought if I ignored it, it would go away but obviously not! Then one day my mom and I were talking about our menstrual cycles and I said “I haven't had one in seven months”, she was shocked and insisted I go to the doctor immediately. At this moment in time I still did not say anything to anyone and nobody thought that I could possibly be pregnant, well obviously the doctor knew right away without doing any tests or anything. I decided there and then in the doctor's office that I was going to place my child up for adoption; I was 18 years of age and I knew that I was not responsible enough to have a child. My family supported my decision and the doctor arrange for me to meet with a social worker.

She came around to our home and we discussed many issues about adoption but I still didn't think about how I would feel after the whole process. She gave me many choices of families and I had actually chosen one family but the day before she was going to tell them she said she had another family to show me. I am so glad she did as I knew in my heart the minute she showed me the new family they were meant to be Emma's parents. Her mom had, had two miscarriages, adopted a sick child who had died and was in the processes of adopting another child when the birthmom changed her mind, I knew that this was God's plan.

I met with her parents a couple of times before the hospital and it all just felt so right, they are wonderful people!

Well, I knew that the day was coming and I still didn't know how to feel. I went to work the day before I gave birth to her and even the day of her birth I was walking around grocery shopping, I didn't feel any different so eventually I went to the doctor and she induced me. An hour later I was in the hospital getting ready to give birth, it all was so quick I hardly remember any details of the birth; I know that I had a c-section and my mom was there with me but don't remember much else about the birth experience!

I got to see her the day after she was born and held her for about an hour before I gave her to her parents, it was the most difficult thing I have ever done and I think will ever do. Her mom had hormones injected in her so she was able to breast feed; I think that was great of her because if I had to have done that I would have been too much of an attachment to her. I stayed in the hospital for a day and went home. When I got home they had sent me flowers to thank for the great gift I had given them, I just cried as the pain and emptiness in side my heart was unbearable, I didn’t realize something could hurt so much!

I stayed off work for a week and then went back and acted as nothing had happened. It was a weird time for me as I had all these thoughts and emotions going on inside me and I didn't know what to do with any of it! They sent me photo's of her every second month through the social worker and after six months I decided I couldn't handle it so I went to Israel for seven months but I realized after being there I couldn't run away from it so I went back home and faced it. It was tough but I had to deal with the pain.

I get photos' of her once a year on her birthday and I am so proud of how she has turned into a beautiful young girl. Her parents are doing a fantastic job of raising her. Her mom had twins two years ago, so she now has a brother and sister, and from what I can tell from the photo's she seems very, very happy which makes me happy!

It has been a difficult seven years and it will continue being difficult but I have gone from thinking about her every minute of the day to only thinking about her once a day or every second day. I never thought the pain would go away but it has slowly and I am happy with my decision, I count the years they she will be able to come and find me! My family have also had to deal with it which was hard for them seeing what pain I went through but they now have now have comfort knowing that I am happy.

Even though she is not with us she is in our hearts always and will be forever! She will always have a mom, a grandma, grandpa, an aunty and an uncle that are her for her and love her.  

Copyright © 2003 Charlene Marshall
 

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