I was stupid, more stupid than I thought. I had just broken up with my
boyfriend/fiance for the umpteenth time in the past 8 months and I was ready
for a little fun. I wanted to drown my sorrows and find an attractive guy
that would show me some attention. I went out with my friends for a wild
night, one that would change my life forever. I had my fun and got what I
wanted. I actually felt pretty powerful, like I could get anything I wanted.
I got more than what I wanted. A few weeks later I noticed, I was late. I
had been late the month before and nothing was wrong, and I knew that I was
safe the last time I was with a guy, so I wasn't too concerned. I should
have been.
I was 4 days late and now it was starting to bother me. I grabbed a
pregnancy test from the local store on my lunch break and went to use the
bathroom. I did my thing and then turned over the test. I was sure that it
was negative and that I was just being paranoid. Besides, I felt fine, I
wasn't sick at all. I watched my clock for 3 minutes and then turned over
the test. I was in complete shock when I saw 2 lines instead of 1. There was
no way, at least I thought so. I was so stunned that I almost fell over. All
I could think of was that it was just one more thing to add to the drama and
craziness of my life at the time. I was being pretty much kicked out of the
room I was renting from a girl I knew, barely making ends meet with the help
of my church leaders and knew that this was the last thing that I needed. I
had had a fling! How was I going to tell the father?? "I know we were only
together that one night, but guess what?" I was scared and angry.
I knew in the back of my mind adoption was probably my best option. I met
with my church leader and told him my plans. I just needed him to tell me
that I was going to be ok, and that I was making the right decision. I
started looking on a website that my church has. They deal with adoptions. I
wanted an open adoption. I wanted to be able to see my child and have
contact. I ended up finding out that a friend of mine that I had grown up
with was married and that she and her husband couldn't have children. I
called her and was sure that I had found the perfect arrangement.
I ended up moving from the state I was in to back home near my mom and
stepdad. I was 13 weeks along. I moved in with this friend and her husband.
I had planned on staying there until the baby was born. I had no clue that
this was a recipe for disaster. Within about 2 months time I wanted out. My
ideas had changed. I wanted a more closed adoption with just pictures and
letters. I knew that knoing that my friend had my child, which we found out
was a little boy, would just be too much. Her family flipped out and pretty
much wanted to chain me to the wall until I had the baby and then boot me
out. I was devastated that these people that I had considered "second
parents" could treat me so poorly. I felt like an outcast. I was an hour or
so from my mother and felt trapped in a house with people I wasn't going to
give my child to. I could feel the hatred and anger seeping through the
walls. I felt like I had betrayed them, but I knew I had to do what was best
for my son.
I felt a prompting to go back and look online at the very first couple I had
looked at. Their profile had impressed me and I knew that if I got in touch
with them I would be ok. My mother came to get me and I moved back home with
her. I could feel the anger and sadness disapating as we drove farther and
farther away from the people I once considered family. In my heart I was
broken over the pain I had caused them and anguish they were going through,
and the fact that I was probably never going to be friends with them again.
Even though there was this pain in my heart for them I still had hope. I had
heard back from the couple I had contacted. Let's call them D and D. They
never got my first email!! They were so happy to hear from me. I knew that
it was right, and so did they. I was 26 weeks along. We emailed back and
forth for about a month before we met in person. They were the most loving
couple and had so much hope for their future and for their family. They had
100% confidence that they would have a family. After talking to them,
sharing tears and special stories, I walked out of their confident that they
would too. I knew I had found my son's parents.
We continued to email each other over the next few months. It was the
contact and comfort both of us needed. I was nearing my due date and we were
all getting more and more excited. I was also getting more and more nervous.
It was becoming real and becoming more and more difficult. I was sure about
my decision. I knew he would be fine. It was me I was a little worried
about.
It was May 3rd 2004 and I was 1 week and 2 days over due when I gave birth,
C-section, to a beautiful 9lb 11oz baby boy named Britton Joshua. His new
parents picked his first name and let me choose his middle name, which I
gave to him in honor of my older brother who died when I was little. I was
touched and amazed that they let me do that for him. 2 days after Britton
was born he was placed in the arms of his new family. A family that will
love him as much as I do, if not more. They have been waiting 7 years to
have a family of their own. He is the light of their life, and he will
always be a light in mine.
The amazing thing is they had the chance to adopt another little boy about 5
months old. They passed that opportunity up knowing that it wasn't right for
them. I knew that this other couple wasn't right for me. I can't explain why
that happened and I know people were hurt in the process. All I can say is
"Sometimes you need to know what wrong feels like to know what right feels
like". To me it is just confirmation that God know what he is doing. He
brought us together when we were ready, and not before that moment.
I love my son and still miss him, but it doesn't hurt as bad as it did at
first. It has been 3 weeks, and I can't believe how well I am doing. With
the support of my friends, family and church community, I know that I will
make it through this difficult time in my life.
To me, adoption was the hardest thing I have ever done, but the best
decision I have ever made.
Copyright © 2003 J. Smith
