:: Lifemothers' Winning Entry ::

It was never my dream to grow up and become a Birthmother. It wasn’t even my dream to be a wife or mother. I wanted something different than my four, married sisters, I wanted adventure! So, at the age of seventeen I joined the Army National Guard. It seemed like the perfect fit for me, do a couple of years in the Guard then go into the regular Army. The road to my future was paved with olive green.

The funny thing about dreams is that they are just that, dreams. No one really knows what course their life will take. We make our plans and do our best. It’s impossible to weigh the good and bad of every decision we make since we have no idea what our future really holds. But it only takes one wrong choice to take you down a road that you could never have imagined for yourself, even in your wildest dreams.

I was in Boot Camp in Alabama when I found out I was pregnant. Having your Drill Sergeant tell you that you’re pregnant isn’t a pleasant thing. You suddenly become a slacker, as if you did it to get out of your duty. He had no idea how much being in the Army meant to me and how crushed I was to have to leave.

I obviously didn’t chose to get pregnant, but I became very careful about the choices I made after that. I realized how my actions could affect other people and that there are some things that you just can’t run away from. The plans that I had made for my future were gone in one swift blow. I had the wind knocked out of me and I didn’t know where to start. After the news of my pregnancy sunk in, my first thought was “I am going to be a Mommy.” The words, “I” and “Mommy” just didn’t seem to fit together. This wasn’t part of my plan. How could I have let this happen?

Getting pregnant was where I failed. I failed myself and the child I was carrying. He certainly had no choice in the matter, but I did. All of us make mistakes in our lives, but some of us pay higher prices for ours. But, eventually I learned that getting pregnant and being pregnant are two separate issues. The child itself isn’t a mistake or a problem to be fixed; he is a person who has needs. I had to figure out if I was the best person to fulfill those needs. Did I have what he needed to grow up safe, happy and healthy? I was pretty sure that I didn’t. Being pregnant made me a Mother, being a Mommy was something entirely different and it scared me.

The decision to become a Birthmom wasn’t easy and didn’t happen quickly. Although I had no big plans for Motherhood, I never would have guessed that I would end up in the faceless ranks of Birthmothers. Those sad creatures that I had seen on TV, who were forced to give up their children. The ones who cried everyday and never found peace. Did good people really give up their children by choice? Would it make me a horrible and sad person? I was about to find out because it seemed that I was headed in that direction.

Through a series of events, my life once again, took another unexpected turn. I visited a church with a friend of mine in my hometown in Illinois. The guest speaker just happened to be talking about adoption. Through him, I met his daughter, who then introduced me to another couple who would eventually become my son’s adoptive parents. I hadn’t been searching for them. I was not actively seeking a home for my child. It just seemed to fall in place. My life had become a long and winding road. Nothing surprised me anymore.

Although I was confident in my decision, it was still the most painful thing I have ever endured. Making the right choice isn’t always easy. I wasn’t naïve about life. I knew it could be hard and unforgiving, but I really didn’t know just how hard it could actually get. I had never loved anyone the way I loved this child. I had never cared about anything until he came into my life. Still, all my love couldn’t change the circumstances of my life. He needed more than I had to give. He deserved more than I had to give.

I learned some hard lessons in the early years of Birthmotherhood. Things that no one could talk about openly. Things that you couldn’t prepare yourself for, you just had to go through it. I learned that no matter how much time and thought I had put into my decision, there were always going to be those people that thought I just didn’t care enough. I learned that there is no use in defending myself against people who were judging me based on their own experience. They would never understand anyway. I learned that there is no honor in being a pregnant teenager. People just look past you and shake their heads. I learned that “placing” a child is different than “giving up” a child, but the world doesn’t always see the difference.

Some of my harder lessons came after the birth of my son. I learned that my tears of pain were mistaken as tears of regret. And that people don’t want to see a Birthmother cry, it only makes them uncomfortable. I learned that I could love my son unconditionally even when conditions were hard. I learned that there is honor in bringing a child into this world, no matter how he was conceived and no matter how young his mother was. I learned that relinquishing your first born son is like losing your first love. You never forget him and you never stop loving him no matter how many miles and years separate you.

As the years have passed I have found myself in a surprising place. While my baby boy has grown into a young man, the whole adoption experience has taken on a whole new meaning. Every thing truly has it’s own season and every season has it’s own joy and sorrow. I have learned that no matter how good and open the adoption is, I will never stop missing my son. I’ve discovered that just the sound of his voice brings me more joy and healing than I thought possible. I’ve learned not to fear the unknown. Everything happens for a reason, good and bad. I’ve also learned that when you bring a child into this world, whether you parent them or not, you will never see life in the same way again.

Looking back over this bittersweet journey, the most important thing that I have learned is that I can accept myself even when others don’t. I have peace with the fact that I did my best and that’s all any mother can do. I can now accept the title of Birthmother with pride and joy, instead of shame and fear. I have lived with the joy, the heartache, the fear and the pressure to defend myself at every turn. I have reveled in the love of my son and I have endured the longing to hold him. I bear the scars, both visible and invisible, but they have only made me who I am today. I have come through it all and I have found that I am stronger than I had ever imagined I could be. I have earned the right to be called not only his Birthmother, but also his First Mother simply because I loved him enough to give him a chance at a better life.

I never intended to become a Birthmother. It wasn’t in my original plans. But, I’m glad that my plans were changed. If they hadn’t, I wouldn’t have my son. I could have avoided the pain, but I also would have missed all the joy that he brings. I know that what I wanted for myself sixteen years ago, isn’t what I want today. If I had known how hard it would be and how much pain would be involved in adoption, would I still chose it? It’s hard to tell. I only know from my own experience that it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and also the most rewarding. The journey has been long and bittersweet, but I’m glad that I am where I am. No one can take the place of your first born, but I’m just lucky that he has a place for me too.

Copyright © 2003 Sally Koenig - Do not use

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