I never seems fair when you do something so courageous, so unselfish, so loving and all you get in return is heartache, pain, and loneliness. I come from a Christian family and have been raised in the Christian faith all my life. The members at my church have all known me since the day I was born. The discovery of my pregnancy practically split the church.

Chad, the birthfather, and I have known each other all our lives. We both attended the same church since the day we were born. Just us dating was a shock to our church and youth group but when they all found out I was pregnant at 16 no one knew what to think. Chad and I dated for a little over a year before I got pregnant.

Telling my mom was the hardest thing to do in my life. And what was even harder was having to tell my dad on his birthday. They both were supportive but my dad STRONGLY suggested the adoption route. After many months of counseling I agreed to start looking at profiles for perspective parents, but I made it clear that it didn't mean I was choosing adoption. So the preacher at my church quickly called up friends of his at the church he used to preach in St. Louis and asked if they were looking to adopt (he knew they had a hard time having their first one and were looking to adopt their 2nd) But they gladly/regretfully informed him that they had unexpectedly got pregnant but had good friends of theirs that might be. So the preacher called up Chris and Gena and asked them to send a profile. So I looked at two other profiles and talked to all 3 couples on the phone and finally decided after 7 months of deciding to go and meet the couple in St. Louis and a couple in Denver.

A week before we were supposed to go to St. Louis the couple in Denver backed out. They simply said they realized they weren't ready for another baby. So I went to St. Louis knowing that that couple was the one for my sweet Lauren. We got to tell them in person w/ their whole family there at a family picnic! It was great! Everyone cried, it was a hard time for me but I was excited I had finally found the perfect couple!

After that Gena and I talked on the phone about 2 times a week and I would call her when I went to my appointments so that she could hear Lauren's heartbeat. The next 2 months went by very quickly! It was a Sunday night and my mom and I got extremely sick so the next morning we decided to go to urgent care. While we were at urgent care I started having contractions. It was only Monday and the adoptive parents weren't coming till Wednesday. So we called and told them to come early just incase. So they quickly jumped on a plane and flew here. Lauren didn't arrive till 9:53 on Thursday morning. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on. I never knew you could love someone that much! That day many of my friends and family came to visit. I never really had any alone time w/ her till night after visiting hours were over. I just held her and loved her to death. That was the scariest night of my life. I knew it was my last night as her "mommy." The next day I was due to relinquish all my rights to her and simply hand her over to some else to love and raise her.

The next day I woke up dreading the rest of the day. I spent as much time with her and held her as much as I could. The adoptive parents didn't come in much that day because they wanted me to have as much with her as I needed. At 4 that night I relinquished all my rights. I cried over my sweet little Lauren and dressed her and got her ready to go home with someone other than me. My mom and I drove them to where they were staying and then drove home. Which is where I cried for the rest of the night. I spent the whole next week with Lauren and sadly had to say my final good-byes to her on Christmas morning. Christmas will never be the same to me. It will always remind me of pain and loneliness.

I am able to visit Lauren whenever I like. But I know and understand what is too much. I receive pictures of her and talk to Gena and Chris about once every couple weeks. I love the relationship I have with her parents and I can't wait to have a relationship with my daughter and am able to tell her that she was NEVER unwanted  

Copyright © 2004 Kristin
 

www.Lifemothers.com              Respect Author's Copyright!             www.Lifemothers.com