Scarred by Adoption

Author: Jennifer Doane

 

 

When I talk about adoption, I tell people that adoption has left me permanently scarred. Most of them look at me like Iím crazy, a few will ask me what I mean. Even after I explain it to them, they still donít fully understand. The only people who truly understand are those who also carry this ugly scar.

I was never told that surrendering my son for adoption would leave me with a permanent scar. Imagine a scar that rips through to your soul. A scar that is a constant reminder of the one thing I donít have. A scar that is so painful, I canít possibly forget itís there; not even for a brief moment. A scar that will forever be ugly and painful. A scar that burns every time I hear of another mother losing her child to adoption. A scar that stings every time I am reminded that I do not have my son. I was told how wonderful I was. I was told that I was giving the most selfless "gift". I was told that it would be painful, but I would be happy with my decision and I would "move on" with my life. Everything that they told me were lies.

For the first few years after the loss of my son, I kept telling myself that the pain would start to fade. It had to fade. There was no way that someone would knowingly let another person live their whole life with this much pain and sadness. Hopefully soon the gaping hole left in my heart would start to heal. Then my sonís adoption closed with no warning or explanation and right then it dawned on me that I will forever carry the scar.

The horror of being scarred by adoption is that most people canít see it. Those that catch a fleeting glimpse either quickly look away or they pretend that they didnĎt see it. They canít begin to fathom what it is like to have your child ripped from your arms, yet they tell you that the pain you are feeling cannot be real. Before adoption you are a whole being, youíre exalted by the adoption industry, caressed and made to feel like a wonderful person. After adoption youíre a shell of your former self, left crumpled and empty. You have been used and tossed aside and the only proof you have is a scar that no one else can see.

 

Copyright © J. Doane 2004
 


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