Unmarried and pregnant? Don’t believe any of the following.

If you are unmarried, pregnant and unsupported, chances are that people are offering you unsolicited advice about what to do. Some may be trying to influence you into placing your baby for adoption, based on a number of common misconceptions. Remember that if you hear any of the following from anyone who would profit from an adoption, the speaker is far more likely to have his/her own best interests in mind than yours and your baby’s.

Please do not let the following arguments influence you into making an adoption plan against your true wishes. It is NOT better for your baby to be raised by strangers, unless you truly do not wish to be a parent to this child.

“If you really love her, you will give her up, otherwise you are selfish.”

Wanting to parent one’s child is not selfish, it is natural. This statement implies that for your child to be well cared for and happy, everything must be perfect. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your baby needs YOU, not more material advantages and not necessarily a married partner. Your marital status and financial situation indicate nothing at all about your ability to be a loving and caring parent.

“No one will ever want to marry you with someone else's child.”

This is simply not true. Women with children get married (or remarry) every day. This attitude is a throwback to earlier decades when unwed mothers were considered damaged goods. Thankfully, it no longer reflects reality. Moreover, do you really care whether or not you get married in the future? Not everyone wishes to do so. And if you do, your chances of finding a marriage partner will be as good as anyone else’s.

“There is no way you can work and care for your child properly. She will have to spend most of the day with a babysitter.”

This is the same as saying that motherhood should be a class privilege reserved for those who can afford to stay home with the baby. Most children in daycare come from two-parent families. The necessity for mothers, married or not, to contribute to the family income is widespread. Why single out unwed mothers for condemnation because they need to resort to childcare while they work?

“It is better for the baby to have two parents.”

Babies end up being raised by a single mother for many different reasons (death of the father, divorce). In fact, divorce is just as common in adoptive families as in biological families. If making sure children have two parents is that important, why are widowed or divorced mothers not also urged to place their children for adoption?

Many older first mothers, believing precisely that their baby needed two parents, agreed to the adoption only to discover upon reunion decades later that the adoptive parents divorced and the adoptee was raised by a single mother. How ironic that it was considered fine for a single mother to raise a child alone provided she had initially been married, while it was not considered appropriate for unwed mothers to keep their babies because “the baby needs a father”. Again, a double standard: one for married women (even if they subsequently divorced) and one for unmarried mothers.

“Babies don't remember anything.”

On the contrary. There is mounting evidence that babies remember birth and know who their mother is. During the pregnancy, they have gotten accustomed to their mother’s heartbeat, voice, etc. Right after birth, all it takes is as little as five minutes being held by their mother for babies to memorize her smell. Furthermore, it takes many months for babies to realize that they are separate from their mother. Therefore, the sudden disappearance of their mother must feel to them as though they had lost a part of themselves. The adoptive mother feels, smells and sounds all wrong and babies know that she is a different person who is NOT their mother. This perceived abandonment follows adoptees thoughout their lives.

Of course, your circumstances may be such that adoption truly is the better option for your child. But do not believe those who would have you believe that your baby will not know the difference. S/he will.

For more information on this particular issue, read Nancy Verrier’s book, “The Primal Wound”.
 

Copyright © 2003 Josee Larose